I’ve been reading along on this thread for a couple of days and wondering about whether or not to post. Because although I’m happy that you’re getting the warm fuzzies, I’m about to throw a little ice water into the mix.
I have also dealt with the issues that you are dealing with. Being petite, pretty, and bubbly isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when you are in the market for a little respect. It’s especially difficult when these traits are combined with a tendency to be submissive, be it everyday or just for play. And although it’s great that your friends respect you, knowing this isn’t going to change a thing about the way that they treat you!
Once patterns of interaction have been established, it’s like pulling teeth to change them. Even when people close to you agree that you deserve respect and try to change, old habits are hard to break. To get people to change how they treat you, you have to change the way that you act. I know you want to stay the way you are (which seems like a wonderful way to be) and still get the respect, but as much as you want it, it ain’t gunna happen.
If you want to change, here are some ideas of how you can do it and keep your personality intact.
Corporate America. First, bubbly doesn’t work in a corporate environment. The Corporate World is still white-male-dominated, no matter what people say about Affirmative Action taking root in modern America. If you want respect at work, you have to demand it. Be ultra-professional. Dress a little better/more conservative than everyone else. Read a book on assertiveness. Never cry, and never scream. If you absolutely have to, go outside and do it in the car. The trick is to state the facts firmly and concisely, and have your bases covered in case there is dissent. I’m pretty sure that these tricks have made the difference between promotion and unemployment for me.
Social Settings with Close Friends. You like to laugh. You have an outward nature that people might describe as sweet or cute. This has been described as one of your best qualities, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to change it. But the way that you’ve described things, close friends are reacting to this as if you were a child, even though they admit that you are intelligent and have a lot to offer. The only way to break your friends of this habit is to call them on it, every time they do it. You don’t have to stop being sweet or bubbly or even nice. Wait for a pause in the conversation and then, in a friendly, joking way, let them know that they’re “at it again.” Say something to the effect of “Um…excuse me, but now that I’ve got my driver’s license can I sit at the grown-up table?” This will serve as a gentle reminder for people with whom you have discussed this problem already.
Social Settings with Acquaintances. This is a little more troublesome. These people may already have stereotyped you. They need more than a reminder, because they aren’t aware of the problem. To make things worse, you feel shy and uncomfortable in new social situations, which makes it even more difficult for you. Try reading an assertiveness book. Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons comes highly recommended. You need to learn that you can keep your personality—friendly, bubbly, and fun—and still get people to take you seriously.
Interactions with Jerks. What about the people who seem to give us less and less respect and attention the more we demand it? If possible, ignore them. They are not worth your time. But if you must deal with people like this, do it with kindness (preferably in a public place). Use your intelligence to speak calmly and simply, shaming them into acting (and treating you) like an adult.
Sorry for such a long post. I just feel your pain and hope I can help a little with the wisdom of one who has been in similar situations.
tips and tricks
I have also dealt with the issues that you are dealing with. Being petite, pretty, and bubbly isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when you are in the market for a little respect. It’s especially difficult when these traits are combined with a tendency to be submissive, be it everyday or just for play. And although it’s great that your friends respect you, knowing this isn’t going to change a thing about the way that they treat you!
Once patterns of interaction have been established, it’s like pulling teeth to change them. Even when people close to you agree that you deserve respect and try to change, old habits are hard to break. To get people to change how they treat you, you have to change the way that you act. I know you want to stay the way you are (which seems like a wonderful way to be) and still get the respect, but as much as you want it, it ain’t gunna happen.
If you want to change, here are some ideas of how you can do it and keep your personality intact.
Corporate America. First, bubbly doesn’t work in a corporate environment. The Corporate World is still white-male-dominated, no matter what people say about Affirmative Action taking root in modern America. If you want respect at work, you have to demand it. Be ultra-professional. Dress a little better/more conservative than everyone else. Read a book on assertiveness. Never cry, and never scream. If you absolutely have to, go outside and do it in the car. The trick is to state the facts firmly and concisely, and have your bases covered in case there is dissent. I’m pretty sure that these tricks have made the difference between promotion and unemployment for me.
Social Settings with Close Friends. You like to laugh. You have an outward nature that people might describe as sweet or cute. This has been described as one of your best qualities, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to change it. But the way that you’ve described things, close friends are reacting to this as if you were a child, even though they admit that you are intelligent and have a lot to offer. The only way to break your friends of this habit is to call them on it, every time they do it. You don’t have to stop being sweet or bubbly or even nice. Wait for a pause in the conversation and then, in a friendly, joking way, let them know that they’re “at it again.” Say something to the effect of “Um…excuse me, but now that I’ve got my driver’s license can I sit at the grown-up table?” This will serve as a gentle reminder for people with whom you have discussed this problem already.
Social Settings with Acquaintances. This is a little more troublesome. These people may already have stereotyped you. They need more than a reminder, because they aren’t aware of the problem. To make things worse, you feel shy and uncomfortable in new social situations, which makes it even more difficult for you. Try reading an assertiveness book. Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons comes highly recommended. You need to learn that you can keep your personality—friendly, bubbly, and fun—and still get people to take you seriously.
Interactions with Jerks. What about the people who seem to give us less and less respect and attention the more we demand it? If possible, ignore them. They are not worth your time. But if you must deal with people like this, do it with kindness (preferably in a public place). Use your intelligence to speak calmly and simply, shaming them into acting (and treating you) like an adult.
Sorry for such a long post. I just feel your pain and hope I can help a little with the wisdom of one who has been in similar situations.